amichan: by rainbow graphics LJ (Default)
 “Remus?”

I pick myself up cautiously, heavy chains scraping the ground as I move into a sitting position. For a moment I’m confused as to why he’s there, and then I remember the dark shape, the friendly smell, drawing my focus and pulling me out of the red haze just before I passed out.

He looks as exhausted as I feel, hair long, face drawn, sitting cross-legged still wearing the same robes as he was the last time we ran across each other.

“What are you doing here?” I manage, finding my voice.

“Your welcome,” he answers, but then, “I needed a safe place—I smelled your blood, I realized what time it was, and figured you either had one or needed help…I’m relieved it was the former…”

My sense and sensibility are returning, slowly, “You heard about Harry and the tournament…”

He nods, and then, “You ran out of Wolfsbane?”

“I’m not sure I trust Snape to supply it properly now that suspicion wouldn’t fall on him quite so readily,” I consent, “Moody did make it to the school though, right?”

Sirius nods, “Apparently he did, but from what I’ve been able to gather things aren’t going so well. How in touch have you been keeping?”

“I’ve been muggling around, so not very,” I consent, “I heard what they were trying to say about Hagrid and decided I didn’t trust the Prophet.”

“They’re not all like Skeeter,”

“I know, but it was easier not to bother, since getting ticked off isn’t going to do anything to help.” Last thing you need in the middle of a muggle restaurant is to start muttering enough at a paper that people start to look at you and then notice the pictures on the paper are moving, “I did get some information from Hagrid when I got in touch to make sure he was alright, but…”

“It’s Hagrid. I’m sure he was full of dragons.”

“After he cheered up,” I nod, “and when he wasn’t trying to tell me off for leaving.”

 

You’re a fine one to talk about not letting what they think drive me away,” Hagrid groused.

It’s different, Hagrid. You’re not malicious. You have your father’s grace to balance you out.”

You’re not malicious, neither.”

I appreciate your confidence but I can’t risk the three days out of the month where if I make just one slip up, one moment of not paying attention…” a head shake, “Plus you have a good and long-standing history there. I’m sure Professor Dumbledore could have worked something out…but I don’t want him to take that kind of a risk,” and then a good change of subject, “How’s Harry doing with the tournament?”

His whole face lit up like a proud parent, “Oh, you should have seen him! He got passed a Hungarian Horntail!”

 

“There’s something going on that I really don’t like,” Sirius responded.

“The Ministry does seem worried,” I consent, “but you’re going to have to be very careful. You’re not thinking of going up to Hogsmeade…”

As soon as I mention it and see the way his expression shifts I don’t need him to answer. I try to move towards him but am still shackled up. He grabs my wand from my things next to him and undoes the locks, and helps me get free.

“It’s quite a ways from here…” I point out, “I can’t give you much, but I may have some food somewhere.”

“Right now it would be enough just to sleep without being on all fours,” he mutters.

“Well, then,” I point to the sleeping bag, “help yourself.”  

amichan: by rainbow graphics LJ (Default)
 Someone who I'm fairly sure is Tonks bounces onto the foot of my bed. I roll over stiffly towards her and get confirmation especially as she says, "Come on, up and at 'em," smacking my closest leg with her palm.

"You seem to have recovered nicely," I muster, my voice sounding thick and alien.

"You seem to have fallen asleep in your clothes," she counters giving me a look I can't place.

I pull myself up so that we're both sitting on opposite ends of the bed, trying to act as though this is news to me. Am I supposed to justify this now?

"I do that a lot," she continues, "so I suppose I can't really say anything..."

"You were sent to check on me?" I ask, "Is it late?"

"No, not really," she waves a hand, "and no, in fact, Molly told me I should leave you alone, but you know me," she says, "I can never leave things alone..." she pauses, giving a slightly nervous sounding laugh, "Unless you want me to leave you alone so you can mope."

"I don't m--" I stop. No, I do. I remember him commenting on that fact before.

She gives a triumphant grin, "I can spot a moper," she explains, "especially when I've been forewarned."

I stop short of asking her who forewarned her. I have a good idea. She falls silent herself, toying with part of the bedspread.

"I was thinking..." she says, rather quickly, "Moody was wanting to go to the station and scare the daylights out of Harry's muggles. I figure he shouldn't go alone--or just with Arthur..." she looks over at me, and looks down.

"It's an idea," I say, shifting so I'm sitting with my legs over the edge of the bed, facing where the desk is. She moves so she's sitting more on the bed, now that it's free of my legs.

"I keep thinking he's going to come tromping up the stairs yelling at Kreacher." she says, after a while, "It doesn't seem real."

I nod, "I...know..."

"Of course you do," she amends after a moment, "I mean--you've done this before...I mean...I'm going to leave," she stands up, "I'm being an idiot. I'm annoying you."

I stand up with her, as though joined by a cord, and reach for her arm, "No, it's alright. If you need to talk..."

"But you probably want to be alone. Molly was right..."

"Tonks..."

She bursts into tears.

"Oh…come here…" I close the difference between us, her head nestles just below my shoulder, and I rock us slightly as she cries. I rest my head, nose against her shoulder. The feeling of escalating despair is something I've known before. She seems to fortunately not have lost many people, but has the added burden of this being one of her few decent relatives.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she murmurs, pulling away a pace or two, and starting to wipe her eyes with a sleeve. I produce my handkerchief and offer it to her.

"Don't be sorry…"

She sniffs loudly, taking the hankie and then pulls a slightly embarrassed look, as she cleans her face up. I realize her hair has muted down to a soft indigo, and offer her what is probably a watery smile of my own.

"Does it ever get any easier?" she asks.

"No," I answer, looking down at my hands for a moment, "but I don't think it's something you'd want to get used to…losing people… it would make you…less human."

She nods, "How do you do it? I feel like I didn't know him all that well…but…there's this whole and…" she buries her face in the handkerchief.

I guide her back towards the bed to sit down, by which point she's pulled herself together a little more.

"I'm so sorry," she says, again.

"It's al…well, it's as alright as it can be, considering," I point out, "I've got passed being angry at this point," I take a deep breath, "for the most part."

"Okay," she says, sounding slightly unsure of herself. 

"It's stages," I start, "Of grief and..." I can't get through that. I cough once or twice looking away from her trying to keep myself together. 

"I'm sorry," she says, again, "You're...I'm not helping." 

"No," I say, and then realise how that sounds, "I mean, that's not..." I cough again, "You don't have to help, is what I mean. It's a terrible thing and none of us is...it's alright. We're all muddling thr--" 

and then her lips are on my lips so quickly that I'm knocked backwards onto the bed. Nothing in my brain works properly for a good while as it's just tongue and air, and lips, and hands and breath and stars and fireworks.

amichan: by rainbow graphics LJ (Default)

 “Oh, come on—,” Sirius is complaining, as I come back to the common area from the library, “There has to be something.”

“I can’t think of anything right now,” James complains. He looks as though he’s about to look to Peter for a suggestion and thinks better of it, “Ah, Remus--,” he says, instead as the portrait hole closes behind me. 

“What?” I ask. He has a look on his face that will spell trouble, “What are you guys plotting?”

Peter about chokes on a chocolate frog, waving his hands desperately in front of him to indicate innocence.

“Nothing—yet,” Sirius complains, “That’s the problem.”

“Ah,” I answer, sitting down and putting the books I just got from the library on the table, only three this time I’ve about exhausted their supply, I think.

“We’re trying to come up with something spectacular to pull, blow away all past pranks with sheer genius, and pissing off Malfoy would be an added bonus,” James explains.

“and Snivellus,” Sirius adds, “I’m always up for…”

“Why don’t you like him?” Peter asks, “He doesn’t seem that bad—for a Slytherin,” he hastily adds.

Sirius says nothing, just tuts and rolls his eyes.

“Besides,” Peter adds, when it becomes clear that he’s not going to get an answer, “Don’t we have a foot to write for Potions, and something to do for Transfiguration.”

“Journals for Divination,” I put in.

“There’s plenty of time to be worrying about that…” he claps Peter on the back.

“Speak for yourself,” Peter mutters.

“I always do,” James answers.

“Well, speaking for myself. I’m going upstairs,” I say. I’m not going to get much reading done if they’re trying to plot. I pick up the books, “I’ll make a start on that journal.”


TWO

“What are you looking so gleeful about?” I ask Sirius the next day as we’re leaving Charms for lunch. He and James were passing something back and forth throughout both this class and History of Magic, and he’s looking decidedly too smug to not be ‘up to no good.’

“You’re always so suspicious…” Sirius chides.

“With good reason,” I counter, "especially as Prongs just shot off like a rocket in the completely opposite direction to the hall. You’re up to something.”

“Your accusations wound me,” Sirius says, putting a hand over his heart and looking crestfallen.

We ignore a gaggle of girls who walk past, giggling to each other and looking flushed as they glance across at Sirius.

“But they’re not unfounded,” James puts in reappearing by Sirius’ side, putting a hand up to try and prevent any negative reaction I might have to this admission.

“You two are going to be the death of me,” I mutter, “or the expulsion…” I lean against the wall, squashing flat to let a group of third year girls walk between us, it gives me time to fix them with a properly reproachful look which will do no good.

“Now don’t talk like that…” James remarks, as we set off walking again.

“Because you want my help with something?”

“Now, Remus,” Sirius says, “Hear us out on this one…” as we arrive in the Great Hall, looking for Peter who had gone on ahead to save seats.

“Think of it as transfiguration homework…practicum…” James amends, sitting down next to Sirius. I move around to be sitting opposite, next to Peter, giving James and Sirius a further look of annoyance, but I can’t deny I have an interest, I’m very curious as to what this might be, and would…but…

Damn it all. I have no willpower when it comes to them, “Think of what as transfiguration homework?”

Sirius and James exchange more happy glances, “We want to change this,” Sirius holds up a sheet of parchment with writing on it, some of which has been crossed out or arrowed up, edited. This must have been what they were passing back and forth during the last two classes.

“So it looks,” James lowers his voice to a whisper, “as though it was written by the person who wrote this…” He leans across the table, passing over another piece of parchment, which has been folded over under his hand.

I skim the parchment which is a short piece of notation about a homework assignment that’s been given by the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; the Slytherins have DADA this morning. I look up at them, “Whose handwriting is this?”

“Can it be done?” James counters.

“What are you trying to do?”

“It’s a journal…” Peter puts in.

“We had the idea last night, when you reminded us of our Divination homework…” Sirius remarks, as though this is now my fault.

I extend my hand across the table to give the assignment note back, “What exactly is it that you’re wanting to transfigure?”

There is a marginal reluctance about handing the paper over.

“Is it possible though?”

I nod, a little reluctant, but also very curious, “Oh, yes…of course it’s possible. I’m sure students have been using similar efforts to forge Hogsmeade notes, or even copy each other’s homework…”

The paper also is slid across the table to me. Peter reads over my shoulder.

I had another dream about Lucius L.M. Ever since he helped me out with Potter and Black two weeks ago. I’ve been dreaming about him, and it’s driving me crazy. I realize this is not something I should commit to paper...
It doesn’t help that we’ve been studying together and every now and then when I’m watching him and trying to pretend not to I catch him looking over at me, and he has this look on his face. Does he feel the same way?
I want to do keep telling myself to stop it, but that doesn’t work. It's nothing to do
I think I’m going mad. Utterly mad. 
No, I am going mad. 
I’m beginning to wish I was in a different house, so I didn’t have so many classes with him, because I can't and didn’t have to sit there, staring at his profile. The way his hair glints in the light of the flame from the cauldrons in the potions classroom…the way his eyes sparkle when he's vilifying Mudbloods...


"What do you think?" Sirius asks, as I flip the paper closed again.

"You're barking mad..." I tell him, "both of you..." I put in.  

James sniggers and points not so subtly at Sirius. "Oh, come on," James remarks, as Peter tries to take the piece of parchment from me to finish reading, "You know they are...Snivellus's lips are planted firmly on his arse..."

I close my eyes, relenting and letting Peter take the paper he's so desperate for, "You know the sort of retaliation we can expect from something like this?"

"But it's worth it." I'm told.

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