Harry Potter: Not Moping

 Someone who I'm fairly sure is Tonks bounces onto the foot of my bed. I roll over stiffly towards her and get confirmation especially as she says, "Come on, up and at 'em," smacking my closest leg with her palm.

"You seem to have recovered nicely," I muster, my voice sounding thick and alien.

"You seem to have fallen asleep in your clothes," she counters giving me a look I can't place.

I pull myself up so that we're both sitting on opposite ends of the bed, trying to act as though this is news to me. Am I supposed to justify this now?

"I do that a lot," she continues, "so I suppose I can't really say anything..."

"You were sent to check on me?" I ask, "Is it late?"

"No, not really," she waves a hand, "and no, in fact, Molly told me I should leave you alone, but you know me," she says, "I can never leave things alone..." she pauses, giving a slightly nervous sounding laugh, "Unless you want me to leave you alone so you can mope."

"I don't m--" I stop. No, I do. I remember him commenting on that fact before.

She gives a triumphant grin, "I can spot a moper," she explains, "especially when I've been forewarned."

I stop short of asking her who forewarned her. I have a good idea. She falls silent herself, toying with part of the bedspread.

"I was thinking..." she says, rather quickly, "Moody was wanting to go to the station and scare the daylights out of Harry's muggles. I figure he shouldn't go alone--or just with Arthur..." she looks over at me, and looks down.

"It's an idea," I say, shifting so I'm sitting with my legs over the edge of the bed, facing where the desk is. She moves so she's sitting more on the bed, now that it's free of my legs.

"I keep thinking he's going to come tromping up the stairs yelling at Kreacher." she says, after a while, "It doesn't seem real."

I nod, "I...know..."

"Of course you do," she amends after a moment, "I mean--you've done this before...I mean...I'm going to leave," she stands up, "I'm being an idiot. I'm annoying you."

I stand up with her, as though joined by a cord, and reach for her arm, "No, it's alright. If you need to talk..."

"But you probably want to be alone. Molly was right..."

"Tonks..."

She bursts into tears.

"Oh…come here…" I close the difference between us, her head nestles just below my shoulder, and I rock us slightly as she cries. I rest my head, nose against her shoulder. The feeling of escalating despair is something I've known before. She seems to fortunately not have lost many people, but has the added burden of this being one of her few decent relatives.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she murmurs, pulling away a pace or two, and starting to wipe her eyes with a sleeve. I produce my handkerchief and offer it to her.

"Don't be sorry…"

She sniffs loudly, taking the hankie and then pulls a slightly embarrassed look, as she cleans her face up. I realize her hair has muted down to a soft indigo, and offer her what is probably a watery smile of my own.

"Does it ever get any easier?" she asks.

"No," I answer, looking down at my hands for a moment, "but I don't think it's something you'd want to get used to…losing people… it would make you…less human."

She nods, "How do you do it? I feel like I didn't know him all that well…but…there's this whole and…" she buries her face in the handkerchief.

I guide her back towards the bed to sit down, by which point she's pulled herself together a little more.

"I'm so sorry," she says, again.

"It's al…well, it's as alright as it can be, considering," I point out, "I've got passed being angry at this point," I take a deep breath, "for the most part."

"Okay," she says, sounding slightly unsure of herself. 

"It's stages," I start, "Of grief and..." I can't get through that. I cough once or twice looking away from her trying to keep myself together. 

"I'm sorry," she says, again, "You're...I'm not helping." 

"No," I say, and then realise how that sounds, "I mean, that's not..." I cough again, "You don't have to help, is what I mean. It's a terrible thing and none of us is...it's alright. We're all muddling thr--" 

and then her lips are on my lips so quickly that I'm knocked backwards onto the bed. Nothing in my brain works properly for a good while as it's just tongue and air, and lips, and hands and breath and stars and fireworks.

PGSM: Restored

 Where--?
I look around, feeling cold and numb. Confused. I don't remember coming here. I don't know where here is, it looks vaguely familiar. White tile floors, glaring light…brightly lit due to all the windows around the place, but a darker paneled wall. Someone laying on the floor, slumped as though out cold or…worse…I look down at them, my eyes focusing on the identity of the shape more than the fact that they're there: blue skirt, white bodice, long blonde hair in a sickeningly familiar odango style.
"Usagi…"
I look down, catching for the first time the fact that there's something gripped tightly in my hand, a translucent white weapon a sword made of ice. I look over at Sailormoon again, feeling as though I want to vomit…no…

I did as you said, Ami-chan, I'm by myself.

I thought the princess would be much stronger than this.

I don't take orders from anyone. Understand this. The senshi are my prey. Leave them to me.

Which one of you will I fight first? Sayonara, watashi no tomadachi.

"No…" I sink to my knees, casting the sword aside, as though this is going to make up for the severity of my transgression. I put my hands on her shoulders, noticing the shattered fragments of the crystal part of the moon wand, the handle is still clutched in her hand, "No…Usagi-chan…" tears prick my eyes, but I can't shed them. I'm too cold. I cradle her towards me, and the tiara falls from her head, breaking on the floor. So many thoughts whirl around me that the only way to let them out is to scream.

I'm aware of someone grabbing me roughly around the waist and pulling me to my feet, but all I can think of is getting back to Usagi.

The surroundings change abruptly, and we're by ourselves, looking more normal. I cradle Usagi in my lap, brushing her face, wishing I could take my own heat and transfer it to her, somehow fix this…but maybe it won't, it's too late. I wasn't strong enough to fight myself, the desire to hurt, where did it? Why did it? Why did I? Why couldn't I stop myself? Not only did I betray my friend, but I betrayed my princess…
"I'm so sorry…" the tears come then, and I bury my head against her for a moment, and then jump when I feel movement, and I feel her touching the top of my head.
"Ami-chan," she says, softly, "You're alright, you came back…I'm so glad…"
I pull away from her, turning towards the trees, taking in for the first time where we are. Some kind of garden? Jungle? There's water nearby…Kunzite brought us here, I have betrayed him by returning to normal, why didn't he just make sure we were both dead while I was in shock?
"Ami-chan?" Usagi asks, seeking out my face, I can't look at her…
"We should get out of here," I say, pulling myself to my feet, "try and find a way out…the general Kunzite must have put us here, it's probably a trap. Are you-," I almost choke, "Are you okay to walk?"
She nods, getting to her feet slowly. I'm hesitant to offer her a hand. Why is she being so nice to me? I've been awful…I turned everyone at school against her. I tried to kill her so many times…I…
"Are you okay, Ami-chan?"
I nod, slowly. I shouldn't be, but I am.
"Alright, then," she says, "Let's go. What seems like a good direction?"
"I don't know," I say, slowly.
Usagi peers at me, and then offers a reassuring smile, "Well, how about this way?" she says, pointing off through the trees.
I look up into the sky, trying to see if we're really in a jungle or just some kind of fabrication, and then off towards the direction she pointed, "It's okay," I say.
"Ami-chan…" she says, with a giggle, "It's alright, really," and she hugs me, making me want to cry even more, "It's alright, I'm alright, see?" she bounces around in a circle, "No harm done."
How can you say that? I-I tried to-I tried to kill you…
"Don't worry about it. I'm fine, and the moon stick or the crystal they usually shield me from attacks, I was just drained that's all…"
"But…"
"It wasn't you-you were being controlled by Kunzite. No one blames you…" she grabs for my arm and I see it, pulling back, stung, the bracelet, black and dark, huge, like a heavyweight, "Ami-chan?" she asks, not sure why I pulled away, I suppose.
I claw at the bracelet, scratching myself, tearing it from my wrist and throwing it down on the ground.
"Can we go now?" she asks.
I nod, and we set off down the path.

It's hot and sticky, just as you would imagine a real jungle to be. I don't recall seeing anything like this when I was in the Dark Kingdom, but thinking about wandering the dark caves and dripping shadows, makes my skin crawl. I remember that feeling too, as though I was itching inside my own skin, when Makoto came to my apartment looking for me.
Usagi leads me by the arm, saying she doesn't want us to get separated.
"What day is it? How long was I gone?"
"Worry about that when we get out of here, right?" then she pauses and turns back to me, "You don't remember?"
"I…I see bits and pieces."
I hear the crash as my sword cuts through the crystal of the wand and she slumps to the floor. If I did that…what else have I done?
How could I believe they didn't care about me?
How could I turn on them?
I used to feel so bad when people would turn against me, and then the only true friends I've ever know…I forsook.
Usagi bounces along, looking at everything, apparently none the worse for wear. I chew on my lip. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve any of them.
But are we? I remember how we were always by ourselves those last few months. I would spend time at CROWN talking with Luna. Usagi was off chasing Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen, Rei was trying to find the princess, Makoto chasing Usagi or Motoki. Usagi screams. I whirl around.
"Moon Prism Power, make up!" nothing happens. I don't even feel the well of energy that we usually feel when each other henshins, "Moon Prism Power, make up!" she tries again, "What?" she demands, "Ami-chan you try."
"I can't…"
She drags me along for a little bit, "I think we threw it off. Ami-chan…what's wrong? Are you hurt?"
"Leave me here," I tell her, "Please, just leave me. Save yourself, go home. I can't…"
"What are you talking about? Of course you can…you're better now, its fine."
I shake my head, "I did all those things…"
"Ami-chan, please…" she says, pulling at my arm, pulling me along, "Come on. You can't-that wasn't your fault."
"I wasn't strong enough."
She stops all of a sudden, "We're going in circles, look!" she points.
On the ground is the black strapped bracelet.
I look away from her, on the pretense of looking around, "I think the youma is coming back. You should go."
"I'm not leaving you here!" she protests, "We're friends. Come on."
"Are we?"
"Of course, we are!" she exclaims, "You think I'd stop being friends with you because of what happened? That wasn't your fault, and if the others are going to be bad about it, then I'll-I'll give them a good talking to!" she nods, firmly, typical Usagi resolve, I would possibly laugh if I didn't feel so terrible, "We're all your friends, all of us, always, because well, that's the way it is."
"I don't know. We weren't together at all, before, I remember that. All of us off doing other things, that didn't seem very friendly. I suppose-I suppose that was what made me think that…" I stop, "made it easier for me to believe the nagging in my head," I find myself tapping my temple, "None of us were talking to each other; we were all keeping secrets…"
Usagi takes my hand, I realize I'm sitting on the ground, staring at a small patch of grass, as if I could see the ants crawling, "We know better now. I'm not going to say we'd all be together every second because, well, for one, Rei-chan would probably get really sick of me…but we're still friends, Ami-chan, come on…you have to come with me. Can you imagine what Rei-chan and Mako-chan will do to me if they find out I left you behind? Not to mention Luna…"
I give her a half hearted smile, but shake my head.
Then she smacks me.
I look up at her, rubbing my cheek, staring in disbelief, "U-Usagi-chan!"
Tears are coming down her cheeks, I hadn't realized how upset she was, not being able to look at her while she was talking, "Gomen nasai…" she mumbles, "but please, stop it! Please! You're not evil-please, believe me, its okay. Please!"
"I-I want to, Usagi-chan, but…"
"No buts!" she exclaims, hauling me to my feet and throwing her arms around me, "You went all by yourself to get me back from Kunzite, and now I've been able to repay you. That's what it's about. Would you have been mad at me if I'd tried to hurt you as a youma?"
I shake my head, tears falling down my cheeks again, "No, of course not…" I mumble.
She nods, and pulls back, "So, why do you think I should be mad at you?"
I look down at the ground again.
"You're supposed to be smart, Ami-chan!" she chides, and then gasps, "It's here, again."
We run straight ahead, but wind up back at the bracelet. Usagi kicks it frustrated. What should we expect from a garden that's probably in the Dark Kingdom? It's like a nightmare.
"Maybe the way out is the way in…" I suggest, "Only the one door?"
"Then we should go back to where we were when I woke up?" she asks, "Okay, plan!" she grabs hold of my arm, and pulls me back off in the opposite direction.

This new idea, seems to have worked, we don't pass the bracelet, again. I don't think Usagi kicked it far enough to be not visible to us, and then we see it, a ripple, much like the one that Usagi followed Rei through when she first became Sailor Mars.
"How did you open the portal to Rei-chan and me?" Usagi asks.
"I was Sailor Mercury," I point out, "and we can't henshin..."
"I can't henshin," Usagi points out, "You never actually tried."
"Mercury Power, make up!" I call, not really thinking it will work, anyway, given I'm now bracelet-less. Maybe my senshi ability has been taken, which I could understand, I don't really deserve it any more.
Nothing happens. I'm not even really feeling the water and it's right there next to us.
"Look!" Usagi says, grabbing my arm.
In front of us, Makoto and Rei, along with a small white cat, like Luna, Venus's cat, whose name I don't recall. I can't believe it. I feel myself, smiling, despite the fact that I'm crying again, "Mako-chan...Rei-chan..."
"Ami-chan..." Rei says, giving a shy smile.
"Ami-chan, is it really you?"
"See!" Usagi exclaims, beaming, I'm not sure if it's to me or them, "I told you!"
We each reach out to each other, and then with a blinding flash, we're all standing together in the room where I attacked Usagi not moments earlier.
"You came back!"
Then, I'm not sure who initiates it, but we're all hugging each other, and crying. Relief washing over me like a comforting bath.